I tried to shut up my emotions
But my emotions shut me up.
They drained me from the inside,
And nothing I could do would be enough.
There was no light I could hold on to,
No railing I could grasp.
There was no beat to dance along to,
No beaten trail with fresh new tracks.
I would crawl on forever, through the desert in solitude
If I let the spiraling snake of my emotions,
Keep me repeatedly going through and through.
I reached a hand toward Jesus,
But my fingers just missed his.
I yelled, “HOW COULD YOU MISS ME JESUS?”
And if he heard me, I couldn’t tell he did.
“How could you let this happen? Why would you?”
My questions rang.
“I thought we were doing this life together.”
Tears burnt my throat like acid rain.
“I don’t understand what’s happening. How did I lose control?
I tried to shut up these emotions and now it seems my heart has a hole.
I thought these things you care about and I do not see what you are doing.
Believe it or not, I DO need a way out, so PLEASE, show me a way to keep pursuing.
You said that those who seek shall find and to those who knock the door will be opened.
And this might be a poor use of context this time but guess what, I’ve been knocking!
I’ve been knocking for minutes, knocking for years, and seeking with all of my heart.
And I’m hurt and I’m tired and I want this to end so please Lord, don’t let me fall apart. Put me back together again— I don’t want holes, I want to be whole.
Put a smile back on my face so I can do things once more with the joy that someone stole.”
And suddenly I was hit, not with a ton of bricks, but with a ton of something else I suppose—
I was hit in the heart with understanding that from the start, I could not get to God on my own.
“Holy Spirit,” I whispered, “Come fill me up. Do the things that I cannot do.
Show me what it is that is happening to me because I cannot live without you.”
And like a little stream springing for the very first time, peace began to trickle right through me.
From my feet to my head, when I walked or laid in bed, I knew that fear would not have to consume me.
Though it often tried— though it often tries—
And I never win the battles on my own,
I have a Helper at all times, through every low and every high.
And I am never alone.
He doesn’t shut up my emotions, or let emotions shut me up,
He helps me understand them and gives me peace.
And even when I don’t understand, He holds my hands reminding me that someone greater fights these battles for me.
So now I know that even with shackles on my wrist, I have a reason to keep fighting.
And the reason that stands is that I am on Freedom’s Land.
I am bound to be free.