Loneliness

I started writing a separate post about something terribly frustrating that happened to me, but it wasn’t very coherent and I didn’t have the brain capacity to keep doing the full sentence thing. So, as my writing naturally tends to do, it turned into a poem. However, I kept the last few lines of the original post which are in quotations because I thought they were very interesting in adding to the context of the situation…


“The thing that has been most jolting to me, however, is not the fact that failure sucks– because to some degree that’s just obvious. What has me in an electric chair is the title of this blog post.

loneliness.

You don’t realize how alone you really are until you realize that you need help and there is no one within 1,000 miles that you feel comfortable going to…”

What do you do when you just need a hug and all you have is a bathroom stall?
What do you do when you just need a hug and someone to sit with you while you bawl
But still all that remains is the claustrophobic embrace of these stall walls?

What do you do when you just feel sad
But you can’t tell anyone around you that you feel like that?

Because then you have to explain yourself and you can’t just be who you are
Because the context is different and the history is gone
And the bathroom starts to feel like a bar.

And whether you’re drowning your tears in toilet paper
Or you’re drowning your soul in the drink,
You can’t let anyone see you this way
Because it would be too hard for them to understand, so you think.

The people that know me, those who know me best,
Are all too far away.
And I come to the Lord, hoping to find rest
And though He helps, I must admit, it’s not the same.

And I’m lonely again and I didn’t realize I’ve been this way until now that I have no one at all.
But even this I don’t feel safe to tell anyone, because they would pity me even though it’s not their fault.

Friends come and friends go and Friends are far and few between
And then there are times that you just don’t have them.
And that’s okay, I suppose, if you know what I mean,
But I still wish that I could go back and grab them.

It’s even harder than I thought (and I thought it would be hard), moving to the city by myself.
Because you can be surrounded by Everyone, even significant people, and still feel like there is no one else.

I’m social enough to fit in and it’s not as though I literally have no friends.
I just miss having those who already know me.
Missing them more with every day that ends.

It took years to build those relationships, but I did it and now, where am I now?
I am right back on the desert island.
And I don’t know where to begin, I don’t know how
To get back up and try to start again.
But the Lord gives and the Lord, he takes away
And even if I don’t know what to do, it’s happening anyway.
So it seems I should suppose this is all in his timing.
and in the meantime I guess that means I must quit my whining.

I’m lonely, I’m lonely and my loneliness makes me feel stuck
But I don’t have a way to get out
So Lord God please hear me, get me out of this rut
And envelop me in a hug right now.

I don’t want to grow up.
I want to go home.
But you can’t go back when you’re barely halfway grown.

“The thing that has been most jolting to me, however, is not the fact that failure sucks– because to some degree that’s just obvious. What has me in an electric chair is the title of this blog post.

loneliness.”

 

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