The Overthinker

I have a big red target, it sits right on my forehead.
It torments me at night, especially when I should be going to bed.

It’s two o’clock in the morning, but the target’s on my mind.
Literally– it sits right in front of my brain so it’s on my mind all the time.

It’s not that I have to be the most popular, or even the most well-liked.
I just hate being forgotten, but it’s like since I got surgery, I’m out of sight.

So they’ve forgotten me.
My worst fear.
Coming true, right in front of my face.
And the truth is, I kind of hate it and I’m rapidly losing faith.

Honestly, I don’t really see the point in this friendship anyway.
God, why did you let this happen? And why won’t you make it go away?

I try not to care so much. I’m trying to force myself not to care at all.
But for some reason, that’s just not how life works.
I’ve heard it said once or twice that if your friends aren’t there to catch you when you fall
Then (something to the effect of) they should probably return your shirts.

To want to be wanted is a very human thing.
I just wish I didn’t want to be wanted by you.
Because it’s growing more and more apparent that you don’t necessarily care to have me around.
And so I’m left not knowing what to do.

On one hand there’s the fact that this is a fight I can’t give up yet–
Not because there’s a chance I will win.
But because the memories are too close for comfort,
And I’m not sure when they’ll come back again.

On the other hand, there’s the fact that my life is better when I let go
And stop caring if you want me too.
I was good when I was conveiniant, but now that you know me more,
Just like me, you don’t know what to do.

Too real for comfort, too realistic for fun
I’m not as cool when I’m not a Barbie slave
Now that I’ve grown up more, my purpose is done
But if you need me, I’ll help you get good deals when you need to be saved.

Some friendships are give and take
But I’m feeling taken right now
and  (don’t worry) certainly not in a romantic type of way.

I mean in a way that says “I have value if I’m convenient for you,
But if I need help, my ‘bitter drama’ will keep you at bay.”

And it’s having feelings like these that keep you away from me
And so the cycle begins again.
And I’m tormented between being myself & being someone else
So that we might be closer friends.

 

-The Friend who spends way more time thinking about this relationship than I should because we’re not even that close anymore, you don’t really care, and it shouldn’t matter (but no matter what I do I can’t stop thinking about it tonight so this poem came out of it instead)

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